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Parenting and Spanking

TO RADLEY

Posted by R.J. on 2018-06-19 16:46:13

Hi Radley,

Nice to hear from you. Fortunately my bout didn't feel like death and lasted only 2 days, but did set me back a few paces. Put myself to bed and limited diet to fluids so not to dehydrate and that worked.

Interesting questions you posed regarding my career. I worked with various ages and predominately males. Preferred to counsel younger offenders because I thought they had the most opportunity to turn their lives around. Some of the older were like a revolving door, in and out of prison. Some younger guys screwed up repeatedly too & returned but if their outside environment was dysfunctional family and gang friends, it would be natural to fail to change. Why I've said in previous messages that you need to feel grateful for the good family you describe and the guidance & opportunities given you. Some of those young offenders were not basically bad boys but boys that just needed perimeters and family to determine right vs wrong.

Probably those times I saw myself in my mind as older were because as an 'only' I had closer ties and attention with & from my parents. I saw and lived many aspects of the adult life prior to that of some peers. Had good peer relationships too, so the blended kept me focused OK and my parents saw to it that I didn't get that 'only child' spoiled child/brat reputation. Acted out like any normal boy did, but dad assured that I never got "too big for my britches." I certainly remember growing up years. They were great years. Friends & I did make our own fun and liked adventures...what boy doesn't? We were not rich when I was growing up, but never went without. Keeping things simple & less expensive was natural.

There were and always had been strict rules on overly personal relationships in the correctional system and for good reasons. I kept to those rules but they were flexible enough to allow a young guy to explore his thoughts/feelings and I gave him 'an ear' that would listen. I'm sure you & Chip have had quality dad/son talks outside of the disciplinary lecture ones and you know how good & important those can be. All boys need those with dad. I admit my dad & I had great adult talks into my early 20s & missed those after the heart attack took him. Even males need tenderness at times blended with toughness and a good dad/son relationship has that balance.

A good dad realizes there are options and experience tells you what your son needs. I guess all dads, worthy of that revered title, hope they get it right most times. Hope you & Chip made Father's Day this past weekend special for your dad. Honestly Rad, no real dad enjoys punishing & wow!! that recollection of dad spanked as a boy by his dad flashes back when you need to spank your own son. You know your heart is aching as much as his young butt is hurting too. I'm sure Chip had a bit of delight knowing it was your hide and not his that time. Don't tell me there were not times that you too were delighted, along with some brotherly empathy, when he got his hide tanned!!

I think some of the tears I shed when punished as a boy resulted from the talk and knowledge I let my folks down too...in addition to knowing better & letting myself down. Sure the paddle or belt impacting my bare rear-end was painful enough to earn tears but tears can be a release valve for inner guilt too. Maybe the lecture then at 16 was sufficient & effective and dad knew appropriate. Inside, maybe you did feel as if your butt should've gotten belted...you knew that had once been the effective result in the past. It's those thought options balanced inside your head that you dad likely uses and you'll use some day if you are a dad with a son...do I talk and get the message across or do I need to lower his pants &/or shorts and tan his butt???!!

It was the HS locker room & pe class that got my attention and converted me from white briefs to boxer shorts. My folks went along & we bought boxers and I was even permitted to decide the boxers I wanted. Now even briefs are in colors/stripes and patterns. I doubt you need Calvin Klein shorts to prove you are a 'cool dude' in HS. I do recall however a fad that caught me up...in Jr High & HS the friends & guys I felt to be 'cool dudes' wore Levis rather than Wrangler or Lee jeans (the big 3 back then) or store brands and we didn't sag but we want them snug fit & hot-water faded. Maybe being an 'only' allowed my folks to agree & buy me Levis 501's that I wanted.

Proud to hear you & Lucy came to your senses. Tough at 16 I know to control those natural urges but better to keep those 'family jewels' packaged and even the safety net some guys think they have with a condom is enough. Manhood is proving you can do it, but rather smart enough to know when the time is appropriate. Hang in there then until July 6th. No defined plans for July 4th yet. When retired, time & planning has a new meaning I think. Stay in touch...have a great summer.

Rick

Posted by radleyradley on 2018-07-01 10:05:14

Hi Rick

It is always good to talk with you.

Exams are over and school is nearly done

Thank you for telling me about your career. I guess you had to develop rapport rather than friendship to help a young guy explore his thoughts and feelings, and perhaps to be the only person who has ever listened to him before. How do you help a boy who does not want to be in trouble but does not have the support of a family to teach him right from wrong? Or to help him when he leaves you? But I know young guys, not that much older than me end up in prison although they have supportive parents. Wayne used to help at Scouts until some of the younger boys complained about what he was asking/ telling them to do. But his dad was great.

Having seen so much of that you must feel grateful for the good family you had and the guidance support opportunities they offered you. I know how important and influential parents can be. I am glad mine influenced me in a good way, a way that would keep me safe and out of trouble.

I would think that in being an only child you would feel that influence even more keenly. Maybe that is why you grew up more quickly than some of your peers. But I would also think that in being an only child you had to rely on your peers more. You seem to have been able to keep that special dad son link going into your adult life. Maybe those seeds were sown when you were a young guy. You were smart enough to know that Dad still had good things to share with you.

Yes, Chip and I have quality dad/son talks all of the time. Dad thinks it is important that he spends time with each of us, on our own every day and in that time there are no interruptions and the telephone is off the hook. That is one way dad shows us that nothing else is more important than we are. There are discipline lectures and sometimes long discussions but these talks are just as important, maybe even more so. Boys need the right blend of tenderness and toughness and a good dad/ son relationship is the best way to get the balance right.

When I need to spank my own son? That is not something I shall have to consider for a long time. You have often told me that it hurts Dad to spank me as much as it hurts me. There is not as much as spanking as they used to be but Chip and I are not the only boys who are ever spanked, although we tend to use the word beaten.

Chip and I made Father's day memorable for our dad. We tried to make it special but on another day what we did might have got us into trouble. Dad was in a good mood and appreciated what we were trying to do. I gave him a Darth Vader mug. Round the rim it says I am your father. Chip made up a CD mixing some of dad's favourites (Brahms lullaby) with some dad songs (Father and Son by Cat Stevens) We were going to cook him a feast fit for a dad but decided it might be better to make it fit for a king- better for us I mean. We are still both prank prone.

Oh yes Chip was delighted knowing it was my hide and not his that time. He says I am as naughty as him and hardly ever beaten. Of course there are times when I am just as delighted when he gets his hide tanned. But there were other times when I felt for him or felt bad for him. That is what being a big brother is all about. Being there for the kid.

I knew I was due a licking. And I had steeled myself to hear the fateful words but you have to believe your Dad knows you well enough to know what will be sufficient effective and appropriate. And he was right. That lecture hurt me inside as much as any belting could have outside. It hurts so much when you know you have hurt Dad and see that hurt look in his eyes. He does not say anything and that makes is worse.

Of course you want to wear the same underwear as your friends and most parents are going to let you choose what you want. Yes, I wore briefs too and then changed about the time I went to High school. Some boys wear Tommy Hilfiger or BOSS shorts but I do not think the brand defines the man. It is what is inside his shorts that matters. Chip says all his friends wear Calvin Klein but if his friends are like mine none of them do.

But what you wear and how you wear it is very important and will define whether or not you are a cool dude. We used to have an optional uniform blazer. Some days you wore it and some days you did not. But until you arrived in class you did not know what the cool guys were doing that day. It seemed terribly important that you were doing the same. I heard a song on TV today. It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it, and that just about sums it up.

We are glad that we had second thoughts before it was too late. I cannot think it what came over us because that is not part of our relationship. The delectable girl and this not so delectable boy do sometimes find it hard to control what our hormones are screaming but we know it is better to keep those family Jewels safe for another day. A condom probably would have done for us. Anyone can do it but the real man is the one who knows when not to.

I can hardly wait until July 6th

Happy July 4th. I hope you have the opportunity to celebrate with your family or friends. To us it is just another day- perhaps a footnote in history.

What you said about being retired and time and planning having a new meaning made me think of God. I was taught that he has a plan for me and I should not limit him to my time scale.

Have a great summer but keep talking

Radley

Posted by R.J. on 2018-07-06 13:56:41

Hi Radley,

It must feel good to have exams behind you now and this school year about over. I do remember that good feeling & anticipated my summer break. My career was a blessing. It had its 'rough' moments & couldn't connect or help every guy, but strived to do my best and that is all we can hope for. When a guy left, I could only hope that I had laid sufficient foundation for him now to go it on his own with success. Yes, it was unfortunate, but I did encounter young guys not much older than you & yes, some had a previous good family but apparently just got in with the wrong crowd.

I had the good fortune of good parents & some common sense to choose good peers to be around. That said, I was the normal boy too who could & did make bad choices some times. That parental bond was a great security net and it lasted into adulthood. Good dad/son personal time is important & sounds as if you & Chip have that. No dad really enjoys to punish but a good dad realizes sometimes he needs to intervene. It sounds like you made Father's Day nice for your dad & I'm sure he appreciated.

I'm sure there are emotional feelings as a big brother toward Chip. It would be only natural to appreciate the fact it was a brother or friend getting a hiding & not you, but you can still have some empathy. There were plenty of times that I witnessed a friend being punished, primarily at school, but some by a parent at their house. Never made me feel good other than fact it wasn't me. I'm sure there were a few times too that it was both you & Chip together getting your butt busted & witness it happening but later to have that brotherly bond to work out the recovery together too.

Peer influence & acceptance is important and the teen years when going through the life transition wants to focus on what others are doing so you blend in OK. It's not what you wear, as you said, but who/what you are that counts & makes you the good man.

Had a nice July 4th with some family & good friends are a big part of life, maybe even more so now in retirement. Planning some family vacation time latter half of this month & that'll be extra special too. God has been a factor in my life from youth to now & what my parents instilled, gave me the foundation to grow on as I emerged into adulthood. He had a plan for me and it5 blossomed in a good family and a good career which I'm always grateful. I was taught too to say THANKS and not just to expect Him to be there for me, so every day I thank God for all I have...family, health, life, my past career & that hope/request that when the end comes, I join Him for eternity.

Enjoy your summer too and stay in touch.

Rick

Posted by radleyradley on 2018-07-31 20:20:28

Hi Rick, Mr. Rick

It is ages since we have spoken. It has been a long hot summer so far but I am not complaining. I have still got the whole of August to enjoy at least until the 24th. I do not think I am really in danger of failing my exams but it is still a nervous wait. People say they are just pieces of paper but they open doors to all sorts of options. I am sure you had exams to pass before you could work in the corrections system. I admire you for caring enough to want to help young guys straighten out their lives when things have gone wrong and so make a brighter future for themselves. My Dad finds that hard enough when there are only two of us! You do what you can but there will always be the guy who gets left behind. A good family is the best support but some kids get in with the wrong crowd. Two boys I knew well Nicky and David were both expelled from well-known public fee paying schools in England for getting involved in cannabis, and my dad told me that when he was at private school seven boys were expelled in one day after their secret drugs den was discovered. So it can happen to anybody if you get in with the wrong crowd. And it is left to someone like you to try and help him sort it out.

You cannot expect to make good choices all the time but you were lucky you had the sense to be able to choose good peers and you still had that parental safety net and a dad who knew when he needed to intervene. Dad knew how important was to spend time with both of us on our own with no interruptions. Sometimes it was just talk sometimes dad had a point to make sometimes we get a reprimand and occasionally he punished us. We did all we could to make Father's Day special but I think it was a smart idea to serve a feast fit for a king rather than one fit for a dad hahaha I'm sure he appreciated it too.

There is a strong emotional attachment between big bro Radley and li'l bro Chip. He knows I am there for him. I am especially there for him when he is in trouble and coming to terms with his punishment. Of course I would rather it was him punished than me, but beyond that...? Sometimes Chip and I were punished together for something we had both done. Usually we would be secretly blaming the other. Butt in the end our brotherly bond would help us work things through and work out the recovery together.

I agree with what you say about the influence of peer influence and the need for peer acceptance. Sometimes some flamboyant guy does something different. Most teens focus on what other guys are doing and thinking and try to blend in. No one should be judged by the label on their underwear. It is what is inside that matters and makes you the man you are.

I am glad you enjoyed your July 4th celebration. You have a parade? It is not the greatest day in British history. But hey, any excuse for a party.

I have an on off relationship with God often not certain of what I believe. One day I shall probably have to make up my mind. Maybe I will see him standing at the foot of my bed and hear him calling Radley, Radley. What else can you do then?

I hope you have enjoyed travelling and that summer is turning out the way you hoped for you and your family. We are going fishing.

Let’s keep in touch

Radley

Posted by R.J. on 2018-08-08 16:25:59

Radley, it is good to hear from you. So is August 24th when you find out how you did on the exams or that the date when the new school year resumes? Exams are always very important and never should be taken lightly. I was once the HS boy just as you are now and then was successful in the university for both my undergraduate degree and later graduate studies. It was my dedication to my studies that ultimately led to the good career I had. My career was not always easy work, but when I witnessed a boy benefit from what I could offer him, it was all worth it. We too had guys back in the 60-70's when I was in school experiment with drugs and yes, some got caught & were expelled or punished at least. Some later turned their lives around, while others kept with the wrong crowd as you said. I'm sure from what you have said in past messages, your dad wouldn't tolerate much any messing with drugs by you and that you might face a dual consequence from school & your dad if you did.

I did have good parents and that was a big part of life success too for me. Sounds as if you were lucky in that too. I believe very much in dad/son time together and I can tell you from personal experience it was a lot better a time for me as a dad when it was dad/son conversation or a project and not dealing with punishment or reprimand.

I would suspect that brotherhood bond. Saw it with my friends and how siblings can argue at times, but stand together and support each other when needed. Was it an embarrassment or harder for you, as the older brother, to be punished along side Chip and he witness it? Did you ever take the blame and the grounding or spanking for something both you & Chip were guilty but wanted to spare him being punished?

Peer influence has long been the success or down fall depending on how well you choose friends and who you hang with. Sometimes it is difficult to hear a parent say you can't associate with a particular peer...they may see a problem you don't as yet see. I would be upset initially but later discovered what my parents saw and the down fall it would've been if I hung with that boy or his crowd.

I'm not going to preach religion to you Radley. That is a challenge that each person has to find for themselves. I would be lost in my life without my faith & God. God never stood at the foot of my bed and called to me, but I felt his presence often, even as a young boy. Maybe it will come across weird to hear me say this, but as an only child who had an inner need for a brother, I adopted in my heart and mind the concept that Jesus was my "Big Brother" because my parents and our church had taught me as a boy that God was my Father. That concept got me through some tough days.

Enjoy the fishing. My summer has been good and our recent family travel time was a great joy...but always feels good to get back home to a normal pace again. You too stay in touch when you have the time.

Rick